F' Your Fertility Threats, I'll Get Pregnant When I Want

Is it just me or are a lot of prime time television shows airing episodes where a female character is struck deaf and dumb by the loud ticking of her biological clock? Has this always been a go-to plot contrivance or am I’m just noticing it now because I’m 31 and at least one of my peers is posting a birth announcement to Facebook every other month?  The mass influx of baby shower invites aside, I find it rather offensive that TV shows are slamming this narrative down our throats. While there are real and significant concerns about fertility as we age, I see the media playing a role in the hysteria, desperation, and ultimate “settling” that a number of women engage in whether intentional or not. Think about it, what sparked the last conversation or serious thought you had about fertility, your Ob-gyn or the hens on Basketball Wives?Biological clock episodes are everywhere, it seems. Last summer on Lala’s Full Court Life, Lala Anthony struggled to reconcile her desire to focus on a career that’s gaining steam with her desire (and perceived duty) to have a second child. On Chrissy and Mr. Jones, Chrissy, who is 41 years old, reveals her reservations about parenting with a partner as laissez-faire as Jim. When she considers freezing her eggs so that she’ll have more time to decide, she gets the gas face from Mama Jones, Jim, and her girls. Even the comedy New Girl starring hipster fairy child Zooey Deschanel showed her character Jess losing her shit because her gynecologist friend told her that by the time a woman turns 30, 90% of her eggs will be gone. GONE!I bet you can think of some shows you saw this year with similar story lines but you can just as easily turn to real life for examples too. Maybe you’re one of the many women out there who is truly concerned about how many good eggs she has left and how much more risk she might expose herself and her future child to the longer she waits. I’m not here to fault you for that because, without a doubt, the facts are on your side:

  • According to a report published in the scientific journal Human Reproduction, fertility gradually falls around age 27 before dropping more dramatically after age 35. Findings suggest that older would-be moms may have to wait longer before becoming pregnant.  There’s a decrease in the probability of becoming pregnant per menstrual cycle, not in the probability of eventually achieving a pregnancy at all. Shorter version:  It might take women in their late 20s or early 30s a month or two longer to become pregnant compared to their early 20s.
  • Women in their mid-30s who want to have children may need to start paying attention to their ovulation cycles for the first time. You can’t just “end up pregnant” like so many of our gal pals did in high school (no shade). The older we get, the more getting pregnant requires planning and time - not such a bad thing, in my opinion.

Fertility does diminish for women over time. Period. No matter how far some of us are from registering at Babies R’ Us, we’d be fools to ignore the truth. My beef is with the crazy-making narrative that limits women’s choices about education, career, travel, relationships, health and overall self-determination.All of the hype about biological clocks contributes to the idea that women lose their value and utility over time. These stories about fertility and age put women into a panic and we see some go so far as to employ underhanded and dishonest tactics to secure a man’s sperm. For those who need a visual reference, I invite you to tune into the antics of Ms. Kenya Moore on this season’s Real Housewives of Atlanta. At a certain point these stories on TV and in the magazines aren't helpful to women truly trying to reconcile their lives with the reality of nature, it's just fear-mongering. We’re witnessing women folding up their dreams and standards because they’re in a race against biology, society, culture, and the media and that’s what I cannot abide. Instead of taking charge of your fertility, it's about getting it before it gets you.This holiday season, women all over will be subjected to questioning about when they’ll finally grow up and start a family. Parents will drop hints about grandchildren as though it is your duty to provide them little people to dote on and friends will wonder when they can finally include you in the playdate schedule. While you stuff your mouth with pie, mumble and nod, I implore you to expand your ideas of what “growing up” and “settling down” could look like in your own life. You can be a mother in so many different ways that are not beholden to anyone’s clock. If you want children, be secure in the fact that we live in the 21st century where much can be done to make that dream come true without sacrificing the other facets of your life.For my part, I’m increasingly thinking of having a family one day but more and more I see myself as a single parent by choice. Stay tuned for part two when I’ll share some initial thinking and research I’ve been doing around this process as well as some concerns.